Two Minute Arizona's Worst NewspaperTM

Reading Arizona's most widely circulated birdcage liner so you don't have to.

Shorter Doug "Gramps" MacEachern: Differences of opinion should be tolerated, but not if they're too diferent, then...they'd better... HEY! You kids get off my (expletive deleted) lawn or I'll tell you another pointless anecdote. Damn whippersnappers.

Shorter Dan Nowicki: If not for running a shitty campaign, choosing a shitty running mate, being a shitty candidate, and having no clue what to do about the biggest issue of the campaign, my BFF John McCain might have won. And monkeys may still fly out of my butt. Any second now. Just watch.

Shorter Robert Robb Like every good fake libertarian, I dislike gay marriage, abortion, and medical marijuana laws. And public attitudes on them will never change, because after all, the electorate is frozen in amber. Oh wait, they're not? Damn. So much for that talking point.